Both people may be making major changes. One person may be moving across the state or even across the country. Someone may be starting a new job to help support the household. Others may be taking on new family responsibilities, such as helping care for a sick in-law, all while adjusting to the beginning of married life.
As I thought about this, I identified two types of stress that couples may experience before marriage: unavoidable stress and unnecessary stress.
Some stress is unavoidable. It simply comes with the territory. Life happens, plans change, and certain responsibilities cannot be ignored. However, there is also stress that we create for ourselves, and sometimes for each other. That is what I call unnecessary stress.
For example, a couple may establish a wedding budget but continue spending beyond it. This may cause one or both people to work overtime, take on an additional job, or go into debt just to cover expenses that were never part of the original plan.
I believe the engagement period should be used to help the marriage get off to a healthy start. It should be a time to save money, build an emergency fund, plan for the future, have important conversations, and establish a strong foundation for the life you are preparing to build together.
Five Unnecessary Stressors to Avoid Before Marriage
From the moment you become engaged, everybody seems to have an opinion.
You have to be careful when relatives and friends begin trying to influence different parts of your wedding, especially the parts that are highly visible or connected to family traditions. This may include the guest list, ceremony style, venue, music, decorations, the bride’s clothing, the wedding party, the reception, and even the honeymoon.
Any part of the wedding that can be controlled may attract someone else’s input.
Suggestions are not always a bad thing, and some advice may genuinely be helpful. However, the couple must remember that they are the ones getting married.
You should be able to look back upon your wedding and recognize your own values, preferences, and personality; not just the expectations of everybody around you.
2. Spending More Than You Can Afford
Couples must be very careful about overspending. Once you create a realistic budget, do your best to stick to it.
It may be tempting to add another meal option that costs thousands of dollars more. You may suddenly discover a wonderful live jazz band and decide that you want to replace the DJ you originally planned to hire. You may continue adding decorations, upgrades, clothing, entertainment, and other expenses because each individual purchase appears manageable.
However, those costs quickly add up.
Before you know it, you have gone into debt because you did not honor the budget you created.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful wedding. However, a beautiful wedding should not leave a couple financially exhausted before the marriage has even begun.
You do not want to spend the first months of your marriage arguing over bills from one day.
The marriage is more important than the production.
3. Ignoring Important Conversations
There are several important conversations couples must have before marriage.
One of those conversations concerns finances. Couples need to discuss money, debt, saving, spending habits, credit, financial responsibilities, and how bills will be handled.
Another important conversation concerns children and parenting. Do both people want children? How many? What are their beliefs about discipline, education, childcare, and parental responsibilities?
Within Christendom, couples sometimes avoid sexual conversations because they fear those discussions may ignite lust. However, avoiding the subject completely can leave both people unprepared for the wedding night and the sexual relationship that follows.
Before the wedding, couples should discuss their ideas, thoughts, concerns, and expectations regarding sexual intimacy. There should be honest conversations about comfort, consent, affection, boundaries, contraception, and the emotional meaning each person attaches to sex.
These conversations do not have to become graphic or inappropriate. They should be mature, respectful, and honest.
Marriage does not automatically give two people the ability to understand each other’s bodies, needs, fears, or expectations. Healthy intimacy begins with communication.
4. Allowing Too Many People Into the Relationship
Couples need support and community. However, they should not allow that support system to steer the relationship in the wrong direction.
This can become especially complicated when some of the support is financial. A couple may begin to believe that they owe a parent or relative decision-making power because that person helped pay for the wedding, housing, education, or another major expense.
As a result, outside people may begin offering opinions about whether someone should continue their education, which career field they should enter, where the couple should live, when they should have children, or how they should manage their household.
Gratitude does not require surrendering the authority of your marriage.
It is also important for couples to learn how to resolve their own disagreements and conflicts. Marriage is a sacred covenant, and although people often give well-meaning advice, too much outside involvement can interfere with a couple’s ability to develop healthy communication and problem-solving skills.
There are times when couples should seek wise counsel, especially when serious issues are involved. However, they must also learn how to listen to each other, communicate honestly, repair hurt, and make decisions together.
5. Creating an Unrealistic Deadline
Sometimes people rush into marriage because they feel as though time is running out.
A woman may be approaching forty and deeply desire children. A couple may be strongly attracted to one another and fear falling into sexual sin. Family members may repeatedly say, “You are not getting any younger. When are you going to settle down?”
These pressures can create a false sense of urgency.
There is nothing wrong with recognizing that age, fertility, faith, and life goals matter. However, those concerns should not pressure someone into ignoring serious problems, overlooking incompatibility, or marrying before the relationship is ready.
A deadline should not be more powerful than discernment.
At the same time, couples should not believe that everything must be perfect before marriage. You may not have the perfect house, the perfect income, the perfect career, or every future detail completely settled.
There is a difference between being unprepared and simply not having a flawless life.
Wisdom means knowing when you are moving too quickly and when fear or perfectionism is causing you to delay unnecessarily.
The goal is not to reach the altar by a certain age or before a particular deadline.
The goal is to enter marriage with honesty, wisdom, peace, and a foundation strong enough to support the life you are building together.
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